the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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