i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
