i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
