Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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