dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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