my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
