i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
