My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
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