I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I have tasted many bathrooms
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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