Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
