Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
