remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
NoShamevember. You game?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
