i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
