Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
