Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You need Xanax blowdarts
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
