I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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