the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
