I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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