Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
