I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
