I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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