So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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