Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
