Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
