I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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