I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I will pee on everything he values.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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