You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
