you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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