I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
