$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
