I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
