Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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