Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
