oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
