His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
