I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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