I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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