I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
