I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
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