I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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