I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
