I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
