is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just had sex on a roof
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
