He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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