How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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