Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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