I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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