and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
