Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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