Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
